remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
