the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Randomize
