He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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