He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
