I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
