PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
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I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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