It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Someone shattered a urinal.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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