sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
