I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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