If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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