On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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