You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
