I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
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I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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