Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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