apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
