Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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