Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You can't just leave with hair like that
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
