My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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