I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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