We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He shit in the fireplace
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
