i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
