Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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