..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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