So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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