he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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