you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
