in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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