Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
