God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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