By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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