Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
