How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Drunk is a universal language darling
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
