I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
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Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
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So I just went to clothing optional bar
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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