my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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