he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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