my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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