my phone needs a breathalizer
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
