When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
