Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
