so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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