My first STD was from a foam party
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
this is an emotional support booty call
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
