There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
