Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
