If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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