Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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