It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
