Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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