getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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