When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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