I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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