Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
