woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
