I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
