I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
