Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
