He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
