She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
