I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
40s are totally the cure
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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