There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I touched a dick in church today
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
