mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
