i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Randomize
