yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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