sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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