I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
